Deacons with Wives (and Without)

I can still remember how shocked I was.  My wife and I were at a small dinner party with several other deacons and their wives.  We had just moved to the area and we were still getting to know our new colleagues and friends.  While we were chatting and sharing our stories, one of the wives made the comment, "We were ordained in May."  WE were; not "HE was ordained"; "WE were ordained."  That took me aback.  I didn't say anything, of course, but I've thought about it ever since.  Of course I knew what she was saying: They had journeyed together throughout the formation process, and both of them had to make firm commitments involving diaconal ministry.  Furthermore, our theology of matrimony, which holds that "two become one flesh" enters into this equation at some point as well.  Still, only the husband had been ordained, albeit with her full participation and support.

As my own experience with the diaconate has grown over the years, including service at the national and international levels, I have heard this kind of comment repeatedly, although not nearly so much as I did in the past.  This expression, "we were ordained" seems to have peaked with those ordained in the late 1970s and early 1980s.  As more than one person has observed, "Even though a couple is married, one spouse may still celebrate a sacrament without that sacrament having effect on the other spouse."  Consider two unbaptized persons who are married.  Should one of them be baptized, we wouldn't expect to hear the other spouse say, "WE were baptized."

Another expression that still has traction is that of "deacon couples"; we often hear this, especially in terms of  social or church events: "All deacon couples are invited."  Again, the intent here is clear enough.  Deacons and their spouses (for those who are married, of course) are invited.  However, the precision of the expression is lacking.  Only one of the two is an ordained deacon, and that does not extend to the couple.  I made a career in the Navy, and retired as a Commander.  We would not be invited to things as a "Commander couple" or even as an "officer couple."  The same precision applies here.  So, most places have stopped using that expression in favor of something more precise.

As long as we're looking at terminology, here's another.  For a long time, it was pretty common to hear about "deacons' wives", as in, "There is a deacons' wives' group in the diocese."  Now, for a while that didn't seem to be problematic.  However, some of the wives began to get their backs up.  They began to realize that their identity was being determined and described by their husband's role as deacon.  "I'm a deacon's wife" often ignored the fact that this woman has an identity, often an official ministerial identity, quite distinct from her husband's.  One wife told me bluntly: "I have a doctorate in ministry, and have been active in ministry for years before my husband even thought about the diaconate; now people simply think of me and my role as his wife, and disregard or minimize my own professional expertise and experience."  Even more fundamental, of course, is the very sacramental identity we each have, individually, through baptism.  My Christian identity and dignity is established through initiation, not through association with someone else.  So, another term has emerged as a preferred expression: "the wife of a deacon."  I should point out that this distinction is usually made by the wives themselves as they reflect on their own sacramental identities.  Some ladies are perfectly comfortable with "deacon's wife"; others are not.

I realize that perhaps much of this may seem like hairsplitting, but it reveals important developments as the renewed diaconate continues to gain in maturity and experience.  What worked to describe the reality of the diaconate and diaconal life early in the renewal is giving way to more nuanced and reflective expressions, and I hope it will continue to do so.  The diaconate, especially in the US, began with an infancy and it has now grown into adolescence and is seeking its maturity.  This gets reflected in the language we choose to use to describe all of this.

Finally, one last handful of sand to throw into the gears.  While the majority of deacons serve as married men, it is important to remember that we have a signficant number of  deacons who are celibate, either because they were unmarried at the time of ordination or because their wives have passed away after ordination.  We must always avoid the temptation to think of the diaconate simply and collectively as "the married ministry".  I actually had people call me when I was on the USCCB staff and say that, although they felt a call to diaconate ministry, they couldn't pursue it because they weren't married!  At the Second Vatican Council, one bishop actually cited this as a concern he had with the diaconate: he didn't want to create a "two-tiered" system of ordained ministry consisting of celibate priests and married deacons.  The reality is, of course, that in the Catholic Church we have married priests and celibate deacons, as well as celibate priests and married deacons.  We have to keep our perspective on ordained ministry quite broad to take in the reality of things!

Thoughts?